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  1. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? ” Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “I thought she was selling you another house.” My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him? “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” I was a mess. ” “It’s new, so yes.” “Would she use my golf clubs? She’s left-handed.” When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield. I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.” “In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.” An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.